This could be dangerous

                                                                     I have been feeling
the call to bake bread.  Not bread machine bread but honest to goodness knead it, bake it yourself bread.  I know it must come from my brief stint being Amish when I was without my cell for four hours on Saturday.

I have gotten as far as little banana loaves, the six year old's favourite snack but that's it.

 I should probably sit down and wait for this to pass.  I don't want to get hurt.

Special Day

Friday I declared a special day with Mommy day for the six year old.  Now you might think what? A day off school?  Wouldn't that reinforce the negative behaviour happening in the classroom?  What the heck sort of crazy parenting you doing in that house Lady?  Here is what I say in my defense....Friday's are almost a half day and most importantly the child in no way sees no relationship between my talking to her about her school issues and her special day.  So there.

We went to the mall to upgrade the child's footwear as she was in need.  She's a shopper my dolly.  All was not lost educationally.  It was sort of like homeschooling only at the mall.

there was physical education with running

Jumping

and running some more

there was lunch break of course

and science

the haul (yes that is a new doll)  Please allow me to introduce you to SweetPea

"I loved our special day.  Can we do it again next Friday?"  I'm thinking I can't afford  another  'Special Day'

You wouldn't think it possible...

Now I could be wrong but it's not bad when you get called by your most adored little grade oner's school only to be put on speaker phone to discuss a meeting time re behaviours, noncompliance and such right?  I mean look at the child!  Does she look like she could hurl a book at a teacher's head or curse like a sailor?!  I didn't think so either.  Oy!

She breaks my heart, this little darling.  Not so much that she is not held accountable and taken to task for inappropriate actions but it hurts me that in entering school she is on a frustrating path.  As much as she needs to be accountable and atone for misdeads however it is not all her fault.  The brain is a magical, mystical organ so much so that there are no great explanations as to how some can be university educated living with half a brain (I'm not actually referring to the professionals we have all met that only act like they are half brained but really ARE missing half their brain), and yet some can be  profoundly affected with what looks like a whole undamaged brain.

No mother wants to see their child struggle nor do you want others around your child to suffer because of them.  She has so much potential this little one.  She is kind, generous, empathetic and hilariously funny.  She is bright, observant and wants to take that big bite out of life that not everyone does.

The trick and the challenge will be harnessing all that she has and is to move forward in the direction that finds her success.

I love her more than it would seem humanly possible.

zach

Zach Sobiech died yesterday.

He might have only been here for a short time however his impact was great.

Much love and peace to his family and loved ones

Logically

Logically I should be grateful.

Logically it was my choice to raise a child I knew would not be here long.

Logically I know that I was able to have her for eleven years when none were considered possible.

Logically I know how fortunate she was and we all were that her health was near perfection her entire life when the majority like her suffer many ailments and hospitalizations.

Logically I am thankful she died peacefully without trauma.

Logically I am grateful that I was present for her last moments irregardless as to whether she knew that.

Logically I am grateful I was able to hold her, bathe her, do her hair one last time before her external self was taken from me.

Logically, logically, logically I know what we had so many others in the same situation with the same diagnosis long for.

The reality of it is however,  26 months later,  I am majorally pissed off.

I can't remember in these last two years feeling so angry about Ailish dying.  I think probably it is because I knew ultimately things were good for us.  Her life.  The way she passed.  All of it.

I have been sad, sad, sad and now I am mad mad mad.  Sad, mad, sad mad.  Whether it be 'logical' or not.  Mad beyond mad.

This newfound realization of mine has a lovely twist to it.

Guilt.

When I have so much to be grateful for when it comes to Ailish how dare I be mad that she is no longer here when medical logic states she should not have been.  How dare I feel this way when families with healthy children expected to grow to adulthood and experience all the world has to offer, send their kids to school only to have a tornado drop a building on them or a gunman taking their lives?  How dare I?

I have stated before that grief is stupid.

I will now declare grief to be illogical.

Ya heard it here first folks.

Prophetic?

Two nights in a row two dreams about making an ass out of myself.  Short dreams.  In thinking about them the underlying theme is I am not prepared.  I looked a fool as I was not prepared.  If the theme here were to be considered prophetic.....what am I not prepared for?

Oh oh.  Please say it is something good, please say it is something good

peeping tom(s)

Five kids and a dog watching me dress.  That's normal right?