Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Have you missed me and my drivel?

There has been some excitement around here and then none.

A couple of weeks back I was told about a message on a board I visit infrequently.  It was a posting from a mother who was looking to place her five month old boy who had suffered traumatic birth injury.  They are across the country from me.  We talked back and forth for a few days with my answering her questions etc and then we took a break.  When we resumed communication the couple had decided that in placing their son for adoption they would be more comfortable with him closer to their neck of the woods than three provinces away.  I am sure they will find him a lovely family who will love him as much as we would and I wish them all the best.

Truth be told it is completely my fault the choosing of us to be his family did not come to pass.  I am fanatical about my kids having appropriate Christmas wear.  Anyone who knows anything about holiday fashions knows that Christmas clothes come out in October and if you don't snap up the dress or outfit you want then well you just might be SOL.  Gymboree had this adorable one piece tuxedo thing and there were black suede boots to match.  I ordered both online and Christmas jammies too.  I know I know, you're thinking I have confirmed for you what you had been thinking all along that Loonie is my middle name.  In my defense however I knew that there was a big possibility that this was not my baby and thought that I can always return it all when my hopes were eventually dashed.

You see?  I might indeed be loonie but there is always a plan.

The plan now is that as the outfits recently arrived I will march my pathetic self to the mall to get my money back.

I will also carry on believing into infinity that there is a baby out there for me....well infinity or until I reach an age I can't remember what the heck I was waiting for or if in fact I was waiting for anything.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Not quite my numbers but close....

It's National Adoption Month.

Knock knock knock!  Universe are you listening?!

This means it would be an even more appropriate time for a new baby to find us!

Just sayin....

Sunday, October 26, 2014

I held a baby today. He pulled and sucked on my chain thoroughly enjoying Ailish's bracelet that hangs from it. He pulled out my earring and stuffed his slobbery fingers in my mouth and goobered more down my neck. 
I sure hope his lovely baby odour attracts a teeny little person to permanently stay in my arms

Friday, October 24, 2014

entitlement prevention program

I detest the feelings of entitlement that are so prevalent in North America.  One phrase that grates me no end is "I deserve it".  You hear it a lot if you're prone to watching television.  "I deserve to win because I worked hard".  Bull Crap!  The reward for your hard work is the end result and the knowledge that it was through your dedication and effort you were able to achieve it.

Two things I am extremely grateful for in Canada is our healthcare and education systems.  Of course I have complaints about both but it is never lost on me that my issues are "first world" in nature.  I might not be thrilled with this doctor or that but I have access to them.  I might not like the way math is taught today compared to previous pedagogies however it is the law that my children be registered in school to learn it and other subjects.

Today after the seven year old repeated that dreaded phrase "I hate school" that she has said so many times (she actually doesn't, totally the opposite she loves it but doesn't want to admit it) I decided I needed to have more mature discussions with her about the unlimited opportunities she is afforded being born in the country she was and to create an awareness that not everyone in the world is as fortunate.  I told her about Malala Yousafzai.  It was a bonus that her name sounds a tad close to her own.  I told her how she fought and nearly died advocating for education for girls.  I told her how some countries don't believe girls should be educated.  I also told her about a girl missing the majority of all four limbs  and blind who wanted to read so badly she learned how to do braille with her nose.  These stories are accepted however just as the siblings before her they are so far from their comprehension that truly appreciating their worth is somewhat lost.  I don't believe my efforts are however.  I think it is hugely important to keep their good fortune at the forefronts of their minds to hopefully offset the feelings of entitlement that often times develop when no struggle to achieve what they have has occurred.

I think I'm right but it might just be my old age talking.....

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


Dessert. On a weekday. Cause some days are scary. Some days could lead to many worse days.  

So we eat dessert. On a weekday. Some days are worth celebrating. Celebrating that this day things turned out ok. 

So eat dessert. 

On a weekday

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Someone is missing

I have much to be grateful for.  And I am.  So grateful.

I am trying to reach a place of feeling satisfied.

Trying to ignore the intense feelings that there is ONE MORE.

Where do these feelings come from anyways?  I was thinking five years ago that it would be an impossibility for me to adopt again.  It wasn't that I didn't feel I had the resources, emotional, physical, financial but that there were too many barriers to overcome with those in control of adoptions.

Then out of the blue it happened.  April 2009.  I felt the urge to call the local agencies to tell them that should they have a situation arise that they had no waiting families for that we would likely be that family.  It just seemed from that moment on there were 'signs' everywhere that I was on the right path.

In five years there has been four close calls but alas none successfully made it into my arms.

I have been asked how long will I wait.  I have no answer for that.  Certainly logistically with my age there would be a time where it doesn't make sense anymore but I guess until that time I will sit as an expectant mother.

For sanity's sake I have to get into the mental state whereby if no new little person joins us that it is ok.  This leaves me in a bit of a quandary and what one would maybe call a midlife crisis.  Yes I have a busy life caring for my large family.  There are appointments, meetings, illnesses and emergencies to respond to.  When there is not however I think that there is something more for me to be doing.  If I am not raising a new baby then what should I do with the rest of my life?  I have no one at home during the day.  I sure as shootin can't hold down a job as I would be completely unreliable and of course employers expect you to keep their hours not the ones you set out.  They're funny like that....
That leaves volunteering.  You would think that volunteering to cuddle sick babies etc is where I should go however in checking into that there is not a current need.

The long and the short of it is I am trying to gain a sense of control and well being in my life.  I am very much in love with my family and I continue to do my best to offer them the best that life can offer.  It feels perverse when I have so much to still want more.  It feels like someone is missing.  It's a hard concept to explain but that is the best I can do.

Someone is missing.