Thursday, December 18, 2014

Who knows

Today could bring some positive news on the adoption front.  Perhaps a door formally opened where one has most likely closed.

Some days it feels like my season of new babies is over and that who we are right now is who we will  be from here on in.  I am grateful for each and every one of my little and no longer little darlings.  They are most definitely enough.  It is hard to fight the feeling however that came on suddenly five and a half....yes FIVE AND A HALF years ago that someone was missing.  The month was April 2009 and I can tell you where I was in the house, who I spoke to at the agency and the conversation that I had as clear as yesterday when the feeling attached itself in my heart and brain more ferociously than is explainable.

We shall see what the conversation holds today.  It should be positive though likely not lead to any peace that the universe is not yanking my chain and their really is no one else coming.  Not knowing is the hardest part of adoption.  It's fine to have all ducks in a row regarding paperwork, profiles and approvals but you must be picked.  Someone has to like what they read about you enough to consider you an option to raise their child.  I've got strikes against me People.  For sure I do.  There are obstacles to overcome in regards to me and the family being a viable choice for someone.  There is a lot of us, I am single (for what it's worth my married friends say I'm better off ;)), and some might consider me aged.  For those birthing babies there is the biological clock that ticks. With adoption my window for having a baby is larger but there is also an adoption age clock and I believe mine to be going BONG BONG BONG!

Anywhoo wish me luck.  Wouldn't it just be the best if when I got there they actually had a possible situation I could be considered for?!  I know, right?

Saturday, December 13, 2014

As it is

It doesn't get easier.  It just is different.  Every moment, hour, day, week, month, year she is missing and being missed.  I will admit that there are easier times but then I will be driving down the road and something so simple will trigger a memory.  Unfortunately the memories triggered almost always surround the trauma of her last three days of  life...preparing for surgery, day of surgery and then her dying forty eight hours later. As every child does Ailish has left huge footprints imbedded in my heart.  Those teeny tiny feet that never independently held her up or took steps have pushed a hole clear through and out the back and I am the luckier for it.

Being her mother for eleven years was totally worth the agony of losing her.  Knowing what I know now and experiencing the depths of despair daily I would say given the same circumstances I would do it all over again.

It was my choice to be Ailish's mother.  I didn't have to be.  In all honesty I did not believe for a second that the dire predictions of six months to a year of survival were accurate.  I jumped in with both feet and open arms.  The fear of losing her however became more prevalent as the days went on as I realized in joining an online community of families with children such as Ailish that for some the prognosis was very accurate.  Every cough, hint of a runny nose and I went to the dark place thinking "this is it".  I learned quickly though that if Ailish was going to live her fullest life I had to let go of the fear.  The thought of Ailish dying was never far but it ceased being in the forefront of my mind.

Ailish was allowed eleven health filled years.  I think that she would likely still be with us had she not had the spinal surgery.  The problem was her spine was so twisted and she was becoming more and more uncomfortable.  The surgery itself was a success.  It was an unpredictable event that stopped the free flow of her cerebral spinal fluid leading to herniation that ended her life.  Peacefully.  Other than her living many years more with a straight spine and good health what more could I have asked for.

Ailish's last Christmas.

This will be our fourth Christmas without Ailish.  She has been gone three years, nine months.  The numbers are perverse.  It was yesterday I was holding her and torturing her with my rendition of Oh Come Ole Ye Faithful her favourite song.  If I sit for a minute I can feel the weight of her head on my arm and her hair causing my arm to itch.  I feel lucky I still have those physical memories amongst others.  The further away I get from holding her in my arms the more I grab onto these to prove to myself that she was real and I didn't just dream her.

It was yesterday.  It was a lifetime ago.

Most days now I can get through without wanting to vomit when I am reminded she is gone.  This is a good thing and a bad thing which needs no explaining to those who have lost a child.

Ailish remains apart of us, our thoughts, conversations and prayers.   I hope this is the way it always is.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Santa came early. For someone

Look what Santa brought early!  Alas...not for me...but we do get to squeeze him!

Getting her baby lovin on

Totally in her glory.  Until he cried.
Anne Geddes I am not

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Do you ever look at your kids and the depth of your love for them leaks out of your eyes?

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


Dance like no one is watching

Dance dance dance

Wait patiently for chicken fingers and fries

Watch the ones dancing like no one was watching
Or simply sit there looking like you're all that cause you are
Wait patiently for it to be your turn to go see Santa
Get hit on by boys...

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Have you missed me and my drivel?

There has been some excitement around here and then none.

A couple of weeks back I was told about a message on a board I visit infrequently.  It was a posting from a mother who was looking to place her five month old boy who had suffered traumatic birth injury.  They are across the country from me.  We talked back and forth for a few days with my answering her questions etc and then we took a break.  When we resumed communication the couple had decided that in placing their son for adoption they would be more comfortable with him closer to their neck of the woods than three provinces away.  I am sure they will find him a lovely family who will love him as much as we would and I wish them all the best.

Truth be told it is completely my fault the choosing of us to be his family did not come to pass.  I am fanatical about my kids having appropriate Christmas wear.  Anyone who knows anything about holiday fashions knows that Christmas clothes come out in October and if you don't snap up the dress or outfit you want then well you just might be SOL.  Gymboree had this adorable one piece tuxedo thing and there were black suede boots to match.  I ordered both online and Christmas jammies too.  I know I know, you're thinking I have confirmed for you what you had been thinking all along that Loonie is my middle name.  In my defense however I knew that there was a big possibility that this was not my baby and thought that I can always return it all when my hopes were eventually dashed.

You see?  I might indeed be loonie but there is always a plan.

The plan now is that as the outfits recently arrived I will march my pathetic self to the mall to get my money back.

I will also carry on believing into infinity that there is a baby out there for me....well infinity or until I reach an age I can't remember what the heck I was waiting for or if in fact I was waiting for anything.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Not quite my numbers but close....