Friday, September 11, 2015

Because she is beautiful.  Because she is missed.  Because each day is a struggle without her.  Because she is loved beyond measure.

Ailish Angelia Wheatly

It is four years, five months, seven days since she left.

Ailish Angelia Wheatley

I thought knowing that there would be a day when she left that I could prepare myself.  Eleven years of preparation and nope.  Still is devastating.  Her loss weakens me at the knees and causes my body to ache more than what my age suggests is appropriate.

I would do it again.  I would say yes to being her mother all over if given the choice.

Ailish Angelia Wheatley

To have been her mother for eleven glorious years, for her siblings to have loved her, for the community to have known and learned from her,  all gifts.  Priceless gifts.

A lifetime has passed but her final gift has been the memory my body has of how the weight of her felt in my arms.  The tickle of her long thick curly hair on my skin as I held her.  The texture of her skin.  Though the memories are precious they also cause pain.  I was told often that as the process of grief moves on and time passes that the tears that come with losing a child are replaced with the smiles of memories of happy times.

I call bullshit.

Still hurts.  Still is nauseatingly painful.  There are always smiles and laughter that come with thoughts of good times even in the early days but in no way do they replace the agony that is the reality that my child is gone.

Ailish Angelia Wheatley

Never ever EVER forgotten.  Not for a day.  Not for a second

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

All night I dreamt of donuts.  All night.  Woke up to tend to one of the kids, went back to sleep to enter into a different dream about donuts.  I love donuts and all however it is safe to say I will not need to see one for a very long time.

By a long time of course I mean like a week or something....