Monday, February 23, 2015


Are you believers in signs?  You know the kind I mean....indicators that might not mean anything to anyone else but have significance to you about an issue on your mind.  Some might think they are messages from the Heavens giving evidence that our departed loved ones remain with us or as psychic hints that something is going to happen.

I believe in signs.  Some I look for, some I ask for and some just seem to pop out of no where.  The problem with putting any stock in signs however is that they can leave you in terror if what you believe you are seeing are indicators that something horrible is going to happen to you or someone you love.  I firmly believed that I knew Ailish would die because of the surgery.  I just had this feeling.  After she did die I can think of more signs that I missed showing me my intuition was right.  Obviously as I now live the horrors of life without my daughter I did not act on my intuition and revoke my consent for surgery because a)it needed doing and b)my fears were no different than any other parents' whose child is going in for a significant procedure.

Three years later I was having those same fears all over again with one of my other kids.  The surgery this time was only wisdom teeth but it required a general anesthetic and though this daughter is not particularly fragile she could move to that very quickly.  It didn't help that many years ago I had heard of a teen with disabilities who had seizured hours after wisdom teeth extraction while his mother was in the shower and due to the swelling his airway was obstructed and nothing could be done by the time he was found.  I have thought of that boy every time one of the kids has had a significant dental procedure.  I was terrified that my daughter would die.  I convinced myself I was right because I was feeling EXACTLY the same as before Ailish died.  Again I did not cancel the surgery because the wisdom teeth were not optional to take out if I wanted the girl to be free of pain and potential infection.  It will not surprise you I'm sure to learn that my darling not only survived the extractions but suffered minimal pain and swelling.  If that was not relief enough for me the
realization hit me that "I AM NOT PSYCHIC!"  I might have had feelings, worry, anxiety that Ailish would die from the very invasive surgery she was going to have but I did not KNOW she would die!
Do you know what a relief that is?!  I'm here to tell you it is HUGE.  I have a lot of kids.  A. LOT.  The majority of them are fragile or complex, have life threatening conditions etc and if I thought every time I worried about them that it was because I KNEW something was going to happen I would need locking up and shot with a tranquilizer gone q4!

Anyways....back to the signs.....

Call me crazy...many do....but I think Ailish leaves me dimes showing me she's around.  I don't mean I will see a dime in my wallet and think oh hey thanks Ailish!  I mean I will change sheets and right in the middle of the bed where change should not be there will be a dime.  There will be dimes in all kinds of weird places.  It used to be her socks.  For the first year after Ailish died I would find a single one of her socks everywhere I turned.  To me there was no other explanation other than I was being given concrete indicators that my baby was still very present in the house.  I have no idea when it switched to dimes or how dimes themselves would be the 'sign' for her but none the less it is what it is for me.

What brought  me to write about signs is what has occurred over the last three days and  I am REALLY REALLY hoping they are signs.....

 Everyone who knows me or has read about me knows I am eagerly waiting to adopt again.  My wait has been endless.  I have gestated three times that of an elephant. You think the pachyderm might be a tad cranky at the end of her pregnancy try be expecting and have no idea if you will ever end up with a baby! I have done in the past this new baby I hope will come to us has long been named.  I name by definition and sound.  I look long and hard for names or words even that depict the meaning I want the child to carry.  Some time ago I heard a word that is used to describe strength, determination and perseverance.  The word itself is not a name, (the name is in the 'vault' so don't ask me! :) ), and it is not a word that you hear very often.

The other day I was lamenting as I am apt to do about where my baby was, how long the wait has been and then threw out the question "will it ever happen?".  Well wonders never cease if five minutes after posing that question as I was reading tweets and the word (my baby name) was used!  A sign right?  That's not all though!  Within about twelve hours someone on my Facebook whom I don't know in life and who certainly doesn't know my plans used the word in his status!  Wait it gets better!  The next day reading tweets again someone hash tagged the sound of the word...different spelling but when read is the name!

I know most of you are thinking this woman is coo coo for CoCo Puffs but come on!  It has to be a sign!  I'm taking them as such anyways.

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