Saturday, December 15, 2012

It's all too much really


These are my teenage elves.  They love to wrap presents as I am not so much a fan.  These two are not ones to ask to do too many things but wrapping is first on their list of things to do during the holidays.  I love that they love wrapping.

  I was torn as we continued our Christmas chores on this most tragic of days.  How could I be readying for a time of joy and happiness when babies and their courageous teachers had been gunned down in what should have been their safe place?  How can we decorate gingerbread houses without the vision of these littles doing just that in their final moments?  The horror of this holds no bounds.

When you are the bereaved one of the most unreasonable yet overwhelming emotions you feel is confusion and resentment over the world continuing to rotate when yours just ended.  How is it possible that carols still play, silly Christmas themed programming blare from televisions and then those blasted cheerful sparkling lights twinkling as if nothing happened?
Even though this tragedy occurred in a country not my own it has happened to our neighbours.  These children are everyone's children.  It could always be your child or loved one next.  I have most definitely personalized what has happened.  I grieve for these little ones I never met nor would have ever met.  I am sad beyond sad for the parents who have lost their child or perhaps even children.  I know what it is to lose a child but to lose a child to unspeakable, unexpected violence escalates grief I think to a whole different level.  I grieve for all involved in this for the horrors of that day will live with them forever.  For the surviving children it has stolen their innocence.  It has been a cruel illustration that the boogey man indeed exists and no place is truly safe.  I empathize with the parents who now must learn a whole new set of parenting skills as they attempt to assist their children in navigating a new reality.  I also empathize with them in the fear and lack of trust that they will see their children through their childhood, college and into marriage and parenthood.  For months and months and less often now I lived in absolute terror that another of my kids would die.  Nothing is promised I rationalized.  There is nothing stopping some other disaster befalling the family and stealing another.

The teachers.  Oh my the teachers!  What an amazing crowd it seems that were one hundred percent there for their tiny students.  Some of the teachers were married and parents themselves and though I am sure their loved ones were every second on their mind as they feared for their lives they kept the little charges with them at the forefront.  I think teachers overall are unsung heroes.  Sure there are the duds in every crowd and I have had my share of complaints over the years but I have looked at the events of the day and the actions of those teachers and I am filled with a renewed sense of awe and respect.

 Malia is the same age as those targeted by the crazy killer.  This is so pertinent to me at a time when I have struggled to come to terms with sending her in a taxi by herself to a school across the city.  Malia has been so lucky in the teacher and support staff she has been blessed with for her first year of school. I have been impressed since day one.  I have no doubt they would respond similarly as the heroes of this day.  I pray to God that they are never put to the test.

For my own sanity and really what the "normal" thing to do is carry on as I would have if this day had been like any other.  The reality is it did not happen directly to me or anyone close to me but in the end it happened to all of us.  Everytime a catastrophe such as this occurs it changes us.  I hope for the better.
  I will do better at supporting the teachers that spend their days with my children.  I will try and do better at expressing my respect for them .  I will be more quick to express my appreciation.

This cannot happen again

Before school yesterday looking I'm sure just like the littles from yesterday as they headed for school


gorillabuns said...

It's simply to horrible for any of us to comprehend

ChattyKatJ said...

Tricia, incredibly well said.