There are some Friday nights that for no known reason I am taken back to the second Ailish quit breathing, the attempts at resuscitation, the looks on everyone's faces, the words said and then all that followed after all efforts to save her failed.  I can also remember the day, time and conversations had 14 yrs ago when I was called asking if i wanted to adopt her. I remember clearly what transpired the rest of the day until I was able to go to the hospital to meet her and bring her home. An amazingly joyous day. As each day stimulated enormous surges of life changing emotions why is it easier to focus on the loss instead of the gain? Does trauma weigh more than joy? I'm thinking it does.

Cavalia

An amazing show is in town called Cavalia.  If you don't know what that is and I didn't until last night is it is like Cirque de Soleil but with horses.  It really is a spectacular show.  I went as a friend's guest last night and was completely enthralled with every part of it.

As part of a community outreach I guess you could call it the staff of Cavalia offered a "Blind Touch Tour" in conjunction with our local CNIB.  The darling seven year old and I attended.  Our escorts were some of the show performers.  The kids were given opportunity to interact with the horses, the equipment and also participate in drumming with the non horse performers.  There were close to ten kids and I think each will remember the day for quite a while.

The seven year old was in on everything.  She talked big about luuuving the horses but with some of her sensory issues was worried one of the horses was going to lick her.  I was more concerned one of them would take a chunk out of my ample fleshy arms as some of the horses run a bit on the cheeky side.  The child and I were safe on both counts.  One thing that did occur was when our escort was trying to convince the child to give the horse a kiss on the nose.  She was unsure for fear a tongue would appear (that's my girl!) and was refusing which must have hurt his big horse feelings as he popped her on the head with his nose.  Im sure he is not used to being slighted being the talented beauty that he is!  The child was not injured of course and as I am mother of the year, laughed...with a comforting I'm here for you kinda laugh....  The child did not feel my amusement as comforting....
She just yelled "that horse hit me on PURPOSE!!".  Indeed he did.  That will teach the kid to refuse a kiss from a perfectly beautiful, majestic animal.  I'm telling you if the other sleek, muscular creatures on two legs had offered me a kiss....lets just say I would have been checking IDs for confirmation of age.....

Photos are all iPhone so not the best

learning what horses eat

feeding a carrot

getting trick rider lecture

trick rider practicum

I saw the show last night....this will be the closest she comes to this stunt

they are bound and determined to recruit her

great drummers even greater gymnasts 

she was an appreciative audience

making friends 

again with the stunt rider training!
(did I mention these guys were b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l as well as talented?)

media was well represented at the event with the child followed and interviewed twice.

paparazzi (unfortunately I have no idea how to find the interviews done)

these guys were so good with all the kids.  I would so love to bring one or more of them home with me.  You know....for the kids.....

patient horse

An afternoon well spent and worth missing school for

Abridged baby making 101

Here is the highly simplified version of the conversation held last night. Picture giggling but squirming teen in the background.

"Wouldn't it be cool if you made a baby?" says the more baby crazy than me seven year old. "How do you get a baby in there?"
"Well you need to have a man to do that..."
"How does the man get it in there?"
"Woman have vaginas and eggs. Men have penises and sperm. The man puts his sperm where it can get inside the egg and the egg then moves to the woman's uterus where it grows to be a baby"
Her response...."my eye is itchy"

Ya well mine is twitching so...

My gain, her loss

Mother's Day is this Sunday.

I was thinking to myself wouldn't it just be the best if a new baby came this week.

Then I thought if my arms were full.....

Someone else's would be empty.

The dichotomy of adoption every day.

Harder maybe on a day when you have chosen to allow another to step in where you feel you cannot.

Faces of Cerebral Palsy

Here is a video we participated in, in support of the Cerebral Palsy Association.  We are honoured to be a part of it with the two other families whose kids, dare I say it, are as awesome as mine.

I expect to be fielding off calls from agents today.....

It's international bereaved Mother's Day today. I have scoffed at the notion that this day was necessary as though whether your child is alive or not a mother is a mother on Mother's Day. I think I may have softened my stance this year finally understanding that perhaps for those who have no other children and even for those who do it is a day to recognize that you are a mother to a child who is no longer here to share the day with you, give you special hugs and kisses and sweet drawings depicting their love for you. I so then recant my past years objections. That being said I did not receive a single card, letter or flower today recognizing my bereavedness (fact...the bereaved can make up new words) nor was I made or taken for brunch. What good is a holiday if there is no brunch?