A person really shouldn't be this excited about a new dryer.

I mean it's here!  Really really here!!

I sure hope the installation guy shows up too!!

Tell me why it is that having waited on an important CTscan for one and a head mri on another at different hospitals that they both fall on the same day within hours of each other.  Neither can be changed if we don't want to wait for months for another date.  One has a tumor and the other needs that to be ruled out. 

Guess that will be the day to fire up the chopper.....

WHEN!

I read a lot of adoption stuff.

I think I have watched the majority of placement and "Gotcha Day" videos on Youtube.

There is always a common thread.  When the families talk about adopting they use the phrase "when the baby comes" or "when we are matched".  Many have baby showers in anticipation of the call saying they have been chosen so confident are they that a baby is in their near future.

In all honesty I have never been that optimistic about adopting.  When I talk of the matter it is always "if I get to adopt"or "If I get the call".  This includes waiting on a call for and my first.   With each time I have applied there are more and more strikes against me being chosen....my marital status, size of family, dependency of most of the kids, and now especially since my wait has been so long my age.

Even the 'who' I am waiting for leads me to add the 'if' of adopting.  Luckily most babies are born with all fingers, toes and functioning neurons.  Fewer and fewer people are choosing adoption when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.  A very small minority of babes are born with special needs and with a continuing decrease in placement that leaves a negligible number of special babies needing an adoptive family.  Certainly there are but a few families that are wanting to adopt a babe with really significant life long issues but we are out there.  This means I need to be chosen from at least one or two others.  Chances of those families looking like us are not great and perhaps that is more palatable to a family looking to place.

I know there is one more babe for me.  I have known it for at least six years now.  I can't explain how I know but I just do.  As strong as that feeling however  the reality is  others are in control of my "fertility".  Outside forces are who determine our family size.  Getting mentally caught in the details of how this will happen IF it indeed is going to happen puts a damper on things.

What lead me to writing this is I think I need to take a page out of other adoptive families positivity manual.  From now on I am now longer going to think "IF".  I am now going to be all about the 

"WHEN".  It can't hurt.  I have all ready passed the point of crazy, hoping, praying,  visualizing etc that I can make this elusive baby materialize.  If I really truly believe there is one more then I need to grasp onto that belief with both hands and shout from the roof tops "WHEN!  WHEN!  WHEN I adopt again!"

I'll let you know how that works out for me.....

The girl has told me at least a dozen times tonight at the top of her lungs "TWO HANDS!!"  Sometimes she yells "three hands" or "two free" to be exact.

She's so funny. This is a common conversation we have. Sometimes it's about her hands, sometimes her shoes.

Tonight's supper has been brought to you by whatever suits your palate and fills your belly with nutrition being less the priority.

When getting to the bottom of a seemingly endless sink of dishes and discovering a pair of Christmas socks one might think what.the.heck?!  I on the other hand pause only long enough to say "again?"

Today I entered into both the Puma store and the Running Room. 

The disdain with which I'm sure I did not imagine in their look at me and tone in which they spoke I'm sure was in effort to let me know I was truly out of my element.  

Though they were completely correct how judgey!  For all they know I'm training to be an Olympic weight lifter.  Or sumo wrestler.

Dear other grade 4 parents

It has come to my attention via my daughter that there has not been a single volunteer for next weeks field trip. I get it. Parents work, have younger children, appointments etc.

Here's the thing. I detest volunteering on field trips. I have gone on every one for  my grade 4 student since she entered school to support her with her special needs. Most times I just volunteer for my own child but on occasion have been given other students to be responsible for as well. Don't get me started how on the last trip to the science centre I was given five kids who couldn't look more alike or have harder to remember names!

I'm thinking that maybe none of you have agreed to volunteer next week because you too hate field trips. Maybe like me it is where they are going that makes you cringe at the thought of joining them.

How bout I make you a deal. You go on this one and I'll take the next two?

Don't make me pull the last time I worked a field trip at this particular locale I got called saying my mother was dying and I needed to get there card. 

adoption

I haven't mentioned much about my quest to adopt again in a long while.

My desire is still strong however my hope is dwindling.  There was a chance at one point where a cousin to one of my kids would be coming home to us but that did not pan out.

I wish I knew if my hopes are forever dashed or if a new little person is ever going to find us.  Anyone who has adopted or is currently waiting will tell you this is the worst part of adopting.  The not knowing.  Each year that passes with no baby decreases my chances significantly due to my age.  It increases the strikes against us.  I have it in me though.  I have the love, the endurance, the resources to offer a little someone who needs a little something extra.

I will put it out there again that if you are Canadian and know of a family who is looking to make an adoption plan for their child with special needs please pass your knowledge of us onto them.

We are needing another passenger in our clown car.  Well bus.  You get the point