Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Dear Burglars

Dear Potential Burglar

Should you happen to choose my house to 'hit' (listen to me all gangsta!) and upon entering come to the conclusion that someone else got here before you and ransacked the joint I would like to point out a few things.

1) I have a lot of kids.  A. LOT.  I don't know if you know kids but these folks are messy.  They leave things laying around making it a minefield.  I will trust that you have some sort of burglars insurance that covers you in case of any mishaps while stealing other people's stuff as I will not be responsible for any injuries incurred.

2) I have six in diapers.  Should you break in on an appointment day such as today having me leave the house early and are assaulted by an odour that if bottled could qualify as chemical warfare again, I cannot be held liable.

3) Ten lunches are made every early morning.  If I have to leave early there may or may not be ingredients of said lunches left out.  You are welcome to help yourself if you are hungry.  Even though you have entered my home to take what you have not earned it hurts me to think folks go hungry.  I will ask however that you clean your dishes and put whatever you use away.  I might not be able to train the children but perhaps I will have more luck with the common criminal (no offence).

4) Bathroom étiquette is not my family's forte shall we say.  Should you enter any of the bathrooms before I have had chance to have my way with them you do so at your own peril.  Should you find you need to avail yourself of the facilities kindly put the seat down, flush, wash your hands and for the love of all things holy turn off the light.  I wonder if I could beg a favour and as you make your way through the house if you could ensure all the toilets are flushed?

5) The dog.  She looks adorable.  I am sure she will all be wagging her tail thumping it against her kennel as if to say open the kennel door and I'll show you where all the good stuff is.  It is a rouse!  We have no good stuff and if you let her out of her kennel and don't take her down to her rocks and she does her bizness all over my floor I will hunt you down and have you prosecuted to the full extent of the law and then some!

I would like to end this letter of instruction by encouraging you not to judge.  Do not judge me on the basis of what you think my housekeeping skills are and what you find as a home in complete disarray.  I will actually draw your attention to the walls in the living room.  Those my friends were just washed.  Yes indeed.  With cleaner and everything.  Also there is one bedroom from bedding to carpet that is shiny clean (don't look in the closet).  So before you are all judgey judgey take note of those two things.

Well that's it I guess.

I just wanted to offer some defense to what you might walk into (or climb into or however you people get in).  I would hate people to think my house is a disaster even if the 'people' are common criminals (no offence).  I mean it is a disaster, you and I both know that but I don't want people THINKING that.  You understand.

Yours truly

Home owner and owner of all the stuff you might think good enough to steal.  Good luck!  HA HA HA HA!