Party day

We had a little luncheon in honour of Ailish's birthday.  It was nice, not sad, not morose.  As a rule folks don't generally like to be on the guest list for a dead kid's birthday party but unfortunately the circle I run in these days there are more and more of us in the "club" so we all get it.  We know how desperate we all are for our children to still be remembered no matter how many birthdays or anniversaries pass.  

There is also a dark sense of humour that can come with losing your child.   I don't know if others get it or not but it is what it is.  Another mum who lost her daughter ten weeks before Ailish passed made  Ailish a birthday hat.  For the urn.  Hilarious.  Just cause you're dead doesn't mean you can't dress for your big day....

I am grateful for all the spectacular people in mine and my kids' lives.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Ailish!

Ailish would have been fourteen years old today.  Though January 25 is her birthday it was not a day that anyone was rejoicing the year she was born.  She was both born and abandoned that day.  Although an adoption plan was being drawn up prenatally once Ailish was born her birth mother left the hospital soon after leaving a baby whose gender she didn't want to know and one without a name let alone someone to rejoice in her being.

I was called nine days later.  The social workers said it was the fastest match and placement they had ever done.  I received the call at nine o'clock in the morning and was picking her up from the hospital by eight o'clock that same evening.  In the private adoption world this is a normal time frame but unheard of for government adoptions.

The date was February 3, 2000.  Ailish might have entered the world on January 25 but it was on February 3 that her life really began and one that we were so lucky to be apart of.

I was informed that the cake I am having inscribed for Ailish's birthday "party" this weekend should not read "My kid is dead!  What the hell!!"

My quest then continues for the perfect inscription....

The reply

The reply:


"Hi Patricia,

We will continue to work with *****'s current foster home on permanency. Thanks you so much for your interest in her.

But I do encourage you to forwards me a copy of you updated home study once it is completed and I will keep you in mind for future placements.

Thanks

*******"

adoption update

Here we are mid January, two months past the point at which I discovered the photo listing of the five month old available for adoption in my relative area.  Two months.  Baby is two months older and where are we in my quest to adopt her?

As a recap you might remember that before Christmas I was informed that the foster family had not formally been asked as to whether they wanted to be an adoptive resource for the baby.  WHAT?!!!  I know right?!  Not to repeat myself as I am apt to do BUT why profile a baby for adoption if you don't know you have a baby to adopt out?!  The answer I was given....to be proactive in case foster family did not want to adopt....  Great concept except.....  what a chain yanker!

In gathering all facts that I have been told....
-foster family is highly respected
-foster family is known to adopt the kids with special needs that come into their home
-everything points to YES they will adopt the baby

Again...unfair chain yanking.

Just so I am not misunderstood....and I know I repeat myself when I say this....if the foster family wants to adopt then YAY for baby!  I support that!  No moves for baby and she has landed exactly where she is supposed to be.  What I don't support is what looks like a bureaucratic manipulation of hopeful adoptive parents before all t's are crossed and i's dotted.  It is a shaking of the tree to see what falls out and you know for sure this nut over here did!

I have mostly, I say mostly giving a bit of room for hope resigned myself to this baby not being meant to be ours.  The powers that be will meet with the foster parents tomorrow to get the final word and then I will officially be informed hopefully tomorrow as well.  To be clear if the foster parents choose not to move forward with adoption that does NOT automatically mean that I would be matched with the baby.  It would just mean I am in the running which is always a good place to be.

In the end what is important is the best interests of the baby.  That is what we must always keep in the forefront of any decision making and we have to trust in some cosmic sense that everything works out the way it is supposed to.

sweetness

A mother's love....

(yes the kitten is still breathing.  I checked)

Big day

 Today was a big day at our house.  Today was the day we got to pick up our new kitten.  Everyone or almost everyone was excited to drive to meet Auntie Darlene to pick up Olaf.  He was named after the snowman in the movie Frozen as we thought he was so so funny and we are sure his namesake will follow suit.
We have had cats before but somewhere around five years ago our senior cats went to that place in the sky where catnip is in abundance and no one yells at you for peeing on the laundry....

I have always wanted another cat but also enjoyed not having to clean up after one and make sure they are not ruining everything they touch.  I bit the bullet this Christmas and made the plan to get a kitten.

Turns out I am not the only cat person in the house.  The kids were way more excited to see the cat come in the bus then they were the dog (good taste I say) and they really like their ridiculous dog.

Malia has thanked me at least one hundred times for getting Olaf.  She has professed her undying love to him at least double that.  "Even if you bite me I still love you.  You are the best cat I have ever had!".

It seems Nessa (the dog) might be the most excited about the cat but I fear for slightly different reasons.  For the last two weeks with every transgression I told the beast how I was getting a cat and that I like cats way way better!

not so thrilled

takes time to warm up to new pets

"So I was wondering....A cat?  Really?"

not the most verbal but has been squealing "kitty" all day

this was before we left for to pick up the cat.  Do you think she knew something?

How crazy?

How crazy do you think a person might be when replacing the chain that holds their dead kid's bracelet that she wore all of her life and that they have worn since almost the moment of death and they're in the jewellery store where they bought all of her jewellery and they see  replicas of what she had and they then think they might vomit, cry or both and when the jewellery store lady asks if they want their dead kid's bracelet cleaned though she doesn't know it's their dead kid's bracelet and they say yes because wouldn't it be nice to have it all shiny and new just like they would like their kid to be but while they are waiting all they can scream in their head is "GET ME OUT OF HERE!! GET ME OUT OF HERE! 

Never mind.  I know how crazy.  The question was rhetorical.

I know I have been absent.  Pictures have been lacking.  It's not that I haven't thought about the blog.  I think about it everyday and then I think if I sit to do the blog then presents wouldn't be bought, wrapped, lost, found, lost again, found again.  It's my system.  Don't judge me.

I will do a full update with pictures and everything!  I promise!.

Thought I was having a neurological event as I was hearing a big whirring sound on either side if my head when I walked. Thankfully before I called the ambulance I realized it was the air rushing through my new double hoop earrings I was wearing....