It is totally time for an Ailish interlude. Two mothers days without her, two summers, two Thanksgivings, two Halloweens. It has been over nineteen months since Ailish flew to Heaven. I can remember everything about her, how she felt, smelled and sounded. I can feel the prickle of her hair waist length hair on my arm just as I did when I held her each evening. I can also feel the weight of her in my arms. Just as I have those memories I have vivid ones of her last fourty eight hours and most specifically her last twelve. Those of course are the most traumatic of mine which then lead to the eight after that have left me with a million triggers back to the trauma.
So what have I learned folks might wonder as I have lived these past nineteen months without Ailish?
1. Whether you want to or not your whole heart does not quit beating when you lose your child. It beats enough that on good days you can be upright and maybe on the bad days too.
2. It hurts as much today as it did when Ailish died but the pain is different. It's hard to explain with my limited skills but I think I can liken it to an ache that never goes away. The pain is not sharp unless you walk the wrong way or lift and twist it but it still causes you to limp.
3. No longer is every waking moment permeated with thoughts of Ailish but when triggered they are deep.
4. There is guilt when not every waking moment is not permeated with thoughts of her.
5. The further away I get from losing Ailish it feels more like she was a dream and less of a reality that she was a living, breathing, thriving gift.
There are so many more lessons learned from two of my teachers, Ailish and death. Some I am grateful for and some I could really have done without. What no one had to teach me however is that without having to move a muscle or speak a word we as a family were in the presence of greatness as was everyone who had the honour of meeting her. They might not have known it but it remains one hundred percent true.
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