Maybe not so whacked!

It turns out that I might not be as whacked as I thought I was....

March 18th marked the second anniversary since Ailish passed away.  Last year I sent us all packing to Disneyland so that we could be doing something fun and be less cognizant of the date and  the weight it carried.  For the most part it was successful.  The kids who understand where we were timing wise were preoccupied with all we were doing and seeing which was great and because we were in the 'happiest place on earth' my moping had to be at an absolute minimum as it has had to be since Ailish died.

This year is a whole different story.  I really was not expecting to be thrown back into the full throes of grief all over again.  Though not completely the same as when Ailish left the suffocating, nauseating, think you might be having a stroke, my gawd why am I so dizzy feelings returned.  The powerful sensation of your arms physically aching to hold the child and better yet be able to smell her sweet scent
and run your fingers down the silkiness and slight fuzziness that were her legs.  Touching and counting  each of her toes.  Seeing her grin and maybe laugh at the silly songs you sang to her each night.  To hear a coo from another room and know that it came from her and that she was present right where she should be.  It is all back and appears to be hanging around for a bit.  Sure there are days in the last two years where even though you know your kid is dead it has not been an all consuming feeling.  Turns out anniversary dates whether you think it will happen to you or not will slam you in the face.

Time heals all wounds they say.  Either 'they' lie or I'm a slow healer or the death of a child is not included in that which has been quoted ad infinitum.  Well I for one was counting on it.  Now I'm thinking to myself...two years...how the hell did we get two years away from the last time I saw my kid breathing? I also think that even though some days are filled with triggers that take me back to the trauma of her death and the anger at myself and especially those whom I consider to be a huge part of why she died, most days are ok.  There are periods of each day that might be Ailish oriented but not the whole day...usually.  I have learned you can live with only three chambers of your heart functioning.  The day Ailish became Ailish she grabbed onto a piece of my heart and the night she left that piece remained firmly clenched in her tiny tight fist.

The reason I say I am not as whacked out as I thought I was by having such an unexpected response to this second anniversary I happened to have a brief conversation with someone in the field of the dead and dying and she stated that many people have reported the same feelings as I have.  Phew for once I'm not the only loon in the room!  She said she was unsure why but in thinking about it I have a few theories and whether accurate or not they make sense for me.  The end result of this is it is once again time to pull up my bra straps, put the big girl panties on, regroup and get back to where I was or perhaps where I fooled myself into believing where I was.