Logically

Logically I should be grateful.

Logically it was my choice to raise a child I knew would not be here long.

Logically I know that I was able to have her for eleven years when none were considered possible.

Logically I know how fortunate she was and we all were that her health was near perfection her entire life when the majority like her suffer many ailments and hospitalizations.

Logically I am thankful she died peacefully without trauma.

Logically I am grateful that I was present for her last moments irregardless as to whether she knew that.

Logically I am grateful I was able to hold her, bathe her, do her hair one last time before her external self was taken from me.

Logically, logically, logically I know what we had so many others in the same situation with the same diagnosis long for.

The reality of it is however,  26 months later,  I am majorally pissed off.

I can't remember in these last two years feeling so angry about Ailish dying.  I think probably it is because I knew ultimately things were good for us.  Her life.  The way she passed.  All of it.

I have been sad, sad, sad and now I am mad mad mad.  Sad, mad, sad mad.  Whether it be 'logical' or not.  Mad beyond mad.

This newfound realization of mine has a lovely twist to it.

Guilt.

When I have so much to be grateful for when it comes to Ailish how dare I be mad that she is no longer here when medical logic states she should not have been.  How dare I feel this way when families with healthy children expected to grow to adulthood and experience all the world has to offer, send their kids to school only to have a tornado drop a building on them or a gunman taking their lives?  How dare I?

I have stated before that grief is stupid.

I will now declare grief to be illogical.

Ya heard it here first folks.