Monday, May 14, 2012

Friday = Doomsday

Friday was the day of Journey's supposed 'Day' surgery.  Ailish died on a Friday and from that point on Fridays have been Doomsday for me.  They just have not been the same.  Like most folks Fridays were the day I was excited to see.  Last day of a scheduled week with the promise of fun, rest and relaxation for the coming two days.  I don't get that so much anymore.  It's not even that I plan on having a yucky day just because it's Friday but it just seems that the yuck comes naturally and then the realization will come that it is Friday.

That all being said Journey's little procedure to remove the screws from her tibial nail and fluid aspiration from her leg were being done on a Friday.  I wasn't overly worried or concerned that things would go wrong and was looking forward to being able to go home after a long day and put it behind us for the weekend.  Best laid plans....

As we are escorted into the unit we are taken directly to the exact spot where Ailish was admitted.  There straight across from the bed was the rocking chair where I sat for about an hour rocking Ailish before surgery.  Then when taken to the holding area outside the operating suites Journey's bed is parked...without word of a lie in the same spot where Ailish was last really awake and laughing!  It gets better though when I found out Journey was taken to the same operating room where Ailish had her surgery!  That was just too crazy.

It really is difficult no matter how much time has passed when you are thrown into the physical space where the most traumatic moments of your life took place.  The mental videos that were on continual repeat for the last year have settled somewhat but being on the unit, walking past the "Code bucket" multiple times a day, seeing the room where she died over and over again really awakens feelings and thoughts that might have been successfully buried for short periods of time.  Funny enough in regards to the room where Ailish died I would really and truly like to have the opportunity to go in there by myself, close my eyes and just 'feel' the room.  I would even like to take pictures of the room.  It might sound strange or weird but it is simply how I feel.  I have said it before...grief is stupid and much of it doesn't make sense.  What one person does while experiencing it or what one needs to do differs but I suppose as long as we keep moving forward it might all be functional.  Maybe the patient in there will go home while we are there and an opportunity will arise before a new one is admitted for me to sneak in there.

And maybe, just maybe if I do get the chance to be in the room and do what I need to do psych will not be called....

No guarantees
where Ailish was admitted
the chair where we spent singing and laughing

The morgue.  I never knew where it was in the hospital.  Never gave it much thought before.  Now I pass its corridor all the time

Where I went two days after she passed to sit and hold her for the very last time

1 comment:

The Kings said...

Aaron and I got to go back into the room where Noah passed away and I actually liked being there and seeing it. It didn't feel the same at all - it wasn't sad, just no feeling at all because Noah wasn't there. Love to you xoxox