In the year since Ailish died we have been admitted onto the same unit three times. Call me a sucker for punishment but each time I have wanted to go into room 14 where IT happened and just sit. What I wanted from the experience I'm not quite sure. Each time we were there the room was occupied so there was no opportunity to be in there except last night. I didn't get all the time I wanted as I had to deal with a minor emergency at home but in the end short of giving me more time to traumatize myself, it was probably enough. Allow me to give you the guided tour....
Why, might you ask would I go back to the scene of what is surely the most devastating event of my life and want to relive it? I have no hard and fast answer. I just know it was something I needed to do. Maybe it was a way to recapture the last time Ailish was alive? Maybe it was to ensure that what I remembered was accurate and by being in the space where it happened I could confirm what I believe are my facts. I don't want to forget that night even though it was surely traumatic. Letting go of that story would to me equate letting go of her birth story (or for us her adoption story).
The fact of losing a child is that as mothers we have birth stories and death stories. Each hold equal importance. I think those who have not lost children might not understand it but I believe that would be more to their feelings of discomfort surrounding death and also their love for us does not want to see us suffering. Fact of the matter is our suffering will be life long. It will go in waves. The further we get from the date of passing the more we might seem 'recovered' and for the most part no one without knowing us would know that only part of our heart beats. We can laugh, play, love anew and live fully but the intensity of the loss never leaves. There will be times of regression where sadness can take over for a few minutes, hours or maybe a few days. It can be caused by you feeling tired or unwell, or the way a picture catches your eye in a new way or even when you catch yourself adding your child into the roister of events that are occurring in a day only to remember that is no longer necessary. OR....it can be being forced into similar circumstances that took your child's life that include the same environment, people, smells, anxieties and having to once again place your trust in the same profession that failed your child and hope that history doesn't repeat itself with another.
As I have said before grief is stupid and I don't think there are any rules about it except there has to be progression forward. Even when there are steps back there has to be a point where you are further ahead than the day after the funeral and hopefully so much further.
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| along this wall was where at least four to six students (of what I don't know) stood looking about as stunned as I'm sure I did) |
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| where I slept during our short stay and also where I stood watching the resident and the whole code team attempt to squeeze life back into my child. I don't know at what point I sat but was soon joined by Ailish's surgeon |
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| the advanced piece of over relied upon piece of crap machinery that registered normal vital signs for the majority of the day thereby having no one give a full assessment or alert anyone to the obvious fact the kid was unconscious (but I'm not bitter) |
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| where I sat as Ailish's lifeless body was placed into my arms |
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| the clock that registered Ailish's time of death 9:32pm |
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| Where Ailish lay all day, unresponsive while I begged her to wake up and not die. It was only me that had those fears... |
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| The alert that sent a room full of people to us in record speed |
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| where I filled a basin to give my child her last bath....forever |
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my vantage point from which I heard everything, saw mostly everything. All of it, particularly the events and comments that most disturbed or angered me I remember most clearly
Why, might you ask would I go back to the scene of what is surely the most devastating event of my life and want to relive it? I have no hard and fast answer. I just know it was something I needed to do. Maybe it was a way to recapture the last time Ailish was alive? Maybe it was to ensure that what I remembered was accurate and by being in the space where it happened I could confirm what I believe are my facts. I don't want to forget that night even though it was surely traumatic. Letting go of that story would to me equate letting go of her birth story (or for us her adoption story).
The fact of losing a child is that as mothers we have birth stories and death stories. Each hold equal importance. I think those who have not lost children might not understand it but I believe that would be more to their feelings of discomfort surrounding death and also their love for us does not want to see us suffering. Fact of the matter is our suffering will be life long. It will go in waves. The further we get from the date of passing the more we might seem 'recovered' and for the most part no one without knowing us would know that only part of our heart beats. We can laugh, play, love anew and live fully but the intensity of the loss never leaves. There will be times of regression where sadness can take over for a few minutes, hours or maybe a few days. It can be caused by you feeling tired or unwell, or the way a picture catches your eye in a new way or even when you catch yourself adding your child into the roister of events that are occurring in a day only to remember that is no longer necessary. OR....it can be being forced into similar circumstances that took your child's life that include the same environment, people, smells, anxieties and having to once again place your trust in the same profession that failed your child and hope that history doesn't repeat itself with another.
As I have said before grief is stupid and I don't think there are any rules about it except there has to be progression forward. Even when there are steps back there has to be a point where you are further ahead than the day after the funeral and hopefully so much further.
Call this my step back
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