You're not wearing a bra.....!!!!!

 Isn't she sweet?

 Oh my goodness so adorable!

Couldn't you just eat her up?

There is NO WAY this child while we rode the steam engine nearly liberated parts of me from my top and shouted so loud that only those riding the ferrie in the middle of the reservoir couldn't hear her "YOU"RE NOT WEARING A BRAAAAAAA!!!!"  Now it is possible that only half the train car heard her as I was able to muffle some of her exclamation with my hand....three times as she tried to finish her full sentence but I think most got the drift.  Even though there was only four of us there today as others had day camps etc we are still a bit of a curiosity so eyes are generally drawn anyways.

I would like to explain myself and not that I feel the need to defend my attire and my choice to wear or not wear particular undergarments but....ok I do...

What I was wearing was a top that has built in equipment and as it is a hot day it is sleeveless and has a lower neck line.  Trust me there ain't no one on the planet including myself that needs to see any lady bits of mine unleashed.  Obviously it was a horrifying thought the child as well.

How I was nearly killed at Sesame Street and how I need an iPhone

Today I took three of the darlings to see Sesame Street Live, Elmo makes music.  It was a good time probably more so if you are really a Sesame Street fan. 

Has his camera ready smile on as we wait for the show to start

Can hardly wait

Not entirely sure what is going to happen

"This is great"

Hallelujah!  They're playing my song!

BERT!  Hey Bert!

Balloon bouquet from hell!  They bring this monstrosity into the auditorium in intermission  and the only way your kid is going to miss it is if they are blind.  You have never seen ten dollar bills come out of people's pockets so fast.  Phoenix thought she would die...just D.I.E if she did not have one of these balloons (or someone else would as she was prepared to scale any seats or people that stood in her path of getting the coveted Elmo balloon).

We had great seats and what made it better is that there was no one sitting in front of us.

Proud owner of a program

"Do the Hustle!"

So how is it you might ask how I was nearly killed at the show?  At the end of the show they shot out streamers from what seemed from the sound and force, a canon.  It was really cool and pretty and then from out of no where I was hit!  Mama down!  Mama down!  Ok so maybe that is a tad dramatic but one streamer bullet did hit me in the neck and it nearly went straight through me!  Ok, it stung a bit.  But still.

Now what about getting an iPhone.  Look at my pictures taken with the blackberry.  Need I say more?
I am taking pictures all the time when we are out and I dont want to always be carrying my big Canon and plus I like being able to post the adorability of my children immediately onto Facebook etc.  I feel the time is looming near that the change must be made.  You did it to yourself my beloved blackberry.

Lizard update

Update on the feeding of Nib the borrowed lizard.http://tricia-themama.blogspot.ca/2012/07/meet-nib-et-al.html  I was successful in feeding the appropriate number of crickets to its sorry scaly self.  Turns out her starvation diet of only taking three did not agree with her.  She was in fact very close to lunging at my hand when I lost control of the cricket and had to chase it with my spoon of death in the tank.  My trick I hate to admit was whacking the cricket just so it was stunned enough so I could control it with the spoon and the icky reptile could get it.  Actually she was hungry enough that she nabbed a couple off the floor in their concussed state.

The teen that offered summer refuge to the creature arrives home tomorrow from sailing camp.  The lizard is alive as are the hermit crabs I was also left to tend to.  No I did not speak lovingly to them as was instructed to ensure their mental health.  I didn't do that when she broke her leg last year either and had no access to her room where they live and three out of seven survived....  I count it as a success as not all died.

Hey, I've kept 12 out of 13 kids alive so my odds are better where it counts...

The bad thing is my reptile, crab caring skills such as they are will have to be put to use again at the end of August when the teen goes away again.  The creatures would appreciate all your prayers.

Meet Nib et al

This is Nib.  Nib is a spotted leopard gecko.  She belongs to the school.  She is icky.  On top of icky...not that bright.

 Being that Nib is a living creature...icky as she is...she must be fed.

Meet Nib's food.  Double ICK!  These are crickets.  They are ALIVE.  Now crickets might be all fine and dandy to listen to on a summer's evening.  From a distance.  They don't however instill the warm fuzzy feelings inside you when you hear them crunched on.  EWWWWW...see I told you!

So here is what I am supposed to do.  I am to put my hand in the cricket container (ewww) pick one up (eww eww) roll the stupid squirmy thing whom I'm sure knows he is going to his death in a calcium dish and then hold it in front of Nib and hope that she only grabs it and not my finger too.  I can't be sure but I'm thinking if the lizard grabbed onto my finger I might owe the school a replacement...  I am to repeat this process SIX times every three days.

Now I try to do as I'm told.  I try to be responsible.  In this instance however I have to fess up and say I made up my own feeding technique.  Let's just say it involved a spoon, a lot of squealing, maybe a few tears, one or two cuss words and a lizard that only ate half of what she should.  Ungrateful icky icky creature!  Here I am SPOON FEEDING her, putting the poor live double icky thing on death row in front of her and she refuses.  Can I just ask here....how do these geckos survive outside of captivity?  Because the crickets put up a respectable fight it took some chasing them around the tank if she didn't take them right away.  They would be under her feet, on her back, darn near under her nose and she didn't seem to recognize they were there.  I'm thinkin the thing is not right in the head and as I say that you might be thinking that it had found the right respite home however....I disagree.  Anything that can't recognize its own food really has no business living.  I'm just putting it out there....

I will also have to own up to the fact that I did not roll the cricket in the calcium bowl as short of gluing it to the underside of the spoon there was no way to do so.

Should the cricket develop osteoporosis we will all know who to blame.

I'm good with that.

You might be asking the question...well why are you taking care of the gecko and not the child who volunteered to babysit it for the summer?  My response to that is I. KNOW. RIGHT.  The answer to that is the child is away at sailing camp.  So in essence we could now ask ourselves....what is worse....feeding an icky creature its doubly icky LIVE meals a couple of times while the child is away OR have the child home expecting to be entertained, laying on the couch complaining of being bored, fighting with the five year old all the while unable for whatever reason to pick up a dish or dare I say run a vacuum?  You see my point.

good news bad news (2)

Good news, bad news.  Bad news...one of the teens dreamed I died.  Good news...she cried about it.

Don't judge.  I take it where and when I get it

Random stuff

Drinks poolside

"You see!  That's why we can't have anything nice!"

Ailish bit the dust.  So to speak.  Again

Standing under the eaves in the poring rain.  I'm thinking I might need the gutters done

A case for Criminal Minds.  I'm waiting for you Dr. Reid

Always take time to smell the flowers (especially when your mother is using it as a distraction from the tantrum you were readying to have)

It must have been a totally awesome party!

I have been absent

I have been absent.  I have been present with the family but absent in ways similar to sixteen months ago.  I have been forgetful, procrastination as is my norm has reached even my limit of acceptability and sadness permeates all quiet moments.  You might think that with a family of twelve at home that quiet moments are few and far between especially with school being out for the summer however the amount of driving I must do is at an all time high.  Driving means lots of time to think.  Thinking automatically takes me to the woulda, coulda, shouldas.  If I could turn back the hands of time I would do things so differently.  In having these months to ponder and speak with other bereaved parents and hear what decisions they made when their children died I sort of have a blue print of what I could have done or asked for and would have had I known then what I know now.  You know the adage you did the best you could at the time with the information you had?  Well that is what I have to hang my hat on.  Reworking it in my head does nothing to change what was actually done.

It would be easy to tell myself to let it go.  That phrase scares me beyond all others as 'letting go' means letting go of Ailish and that will never happen.  Since she passed away I have gained my footing.  We have had all the firsts that happen after someone dies.  You know the first birthday, the first Christmas, Easter, Halloween etc etc.  I have never gone an hour in all these months without thinking about her but the sadness was not as encompassing as it has been these past weeks.

I will regain my composure.  If I could do it back then certainly I can do it again.  I am programming my thought processes while I drive now.  When I begin to feel the sadness instead of watching the videos in my head of all that went on I think about all that I am hopeful for in the future.  What I want for the family, what do I see for us in the future, how can I increase the chances of our family growing. I am a full believer in positivity brings about positive results.  I just need to get all Oprah ie and visualize what I want and bring it into fruition.  I've done it before I can do it again.

It is tough when you lose someone whom you loved with abandon and even though you knew your time together was limited your faith, or maybe it's just mine is shaken.  I don't know why it should be but it just has been.  The irrational part of me doesn't trust right now.  I feel like someone was stolen from me.  The rational part of me knows she was gifted to me and for eleven times longer than any textbook predicted.  It's just that when crap happens you know it can happen again.

This is all rather rambling on however it is slightly less confusing than what is going on in my head!

Anyhoo so I end this with the promise to myself to quit trying to rewrite the past and look squarely on the future.  I have so much I want to see happen for us with top of the list being adding to the family.  As this is no easy task when we are all ready large in number there is no room for negativity.  It requires a whole lot of sending out of positive energies so that it might be manifested.
Onwards and upwards!  Let's see where it gets us.

Swim lesson day one. OY!

Private swim lessons day one.  Because of Malia's vision issues and ease of distractibility along with some lack of compliance I decided private lessons were the way to go.  She loves the pool and is very confidant in the water but unfortunately she has once again become VERY oppositional.  Malia is going through some developmental changes that accelerated in June and though they wouldn't necessarily be uncommon in someone with her neurological makeup and don't always require treatment  I think the extreme behaviour might be linked.  This is what my "medical degree" from an online "university" is leading me to believe anyways.

Malia started saying last night that she didn't want to go to the pool that she needed to stay home etc etc.  She woke up in the morning saying the same thing.  I knew we might be in for some interesting times.

For the most part Malia was cooperative to the best of her abilities but got more and more obstinate as the lesson went on.  It was only for thirty minutes so everyone came out the pool alive and with little angry words emanating from the child's mouth.  SCORE!

As you can see from the empty pool this is why our outdoor pools are always at risk of shutting down.  Back when some of my bigger kids were small I took them there for lessons and there were three or four classes in at once.  Today there was one boy before us getting his private lesson and one boy after.

Lounging before her lesson

Before the lesson can begin the child must first chat.  And chat. And chat some more

"And that's my mom. And there's my brother his name is H... And that's my sister Journey, say hi to her

Even though it was overcast the temperature in and out of the pool was tolerable however into the third lesson I think the instructor was hypothermic.

We shall see what tomorrow brings....

I can only imagine.  Well I can actually make an educated guess however let's all think positive shall we?

OH NO YOU DI INT!

Uh Ya!  Oh no you di int!  You did not just cut me off nearly hitting my bus then give ME the finger!  First of all...who does that anymore?  Give other drivers the finger?  I really have not seen that in forever.  Yay for you and your retro ness!  I know you are driving what YOU think is a big pick up truck with its duelies and all but I'm going to guess that my one and a half tons of outstanding bus still outweighs you and add passenger weight with me alone makes me a force to be reckoned with.

It should also be noted that I am close to looking at the wrong side of 50.  I did not catch sight of you other than your extended middle finger through your oh so kewl little sliding windows to  know which side you fall on but what you should be informed of is you don't want to mess with a not quite menopausal mama driving her littlest of darlings in a vehicle that is still bigger than yours which we all know you bought to compensate for....well....only you and those closest to you would know wouldn't they.  No Sir...you do NOT want to mess with all this!

Dearest Nessa....

 Dearest Nessa  When you looked like this I expected little puddles and other indiscretions in the house.

 You were adorable.  A face no one could resist.  We (I use the term loosely) gladly cleaned up after you believing it to be temporary.

 You were loved and gave love in return.

 You tolerated holiday dress up

 You are a best friend.  Because of all these things your potty mistakes have been forgiven.

This is what you look like now (when you are not naked from a necessary grooming to remove burrs and matts).  You are a big girl now.  You have had your first birthday.  You know how to ask to go out.  Today you chose not to.  Twice you soiled my flooring.  Unacceptable Dear Nessa.  Un.Accept.Able.
Tomorrow is a new day.  You know what you need to do.

Feel it

No real words to post except to offer the suggestion of taking a moment to feel what she is feeling.  See the joy in her eyes.  Feel the exhilaration she is feeling at that moment.  Hear the laughter that not only comes in the form of the melodious sound of her voice but emanates from her soul.

Some would say her life held no value.  Some would say that though she rarely had a sick day that her life was torturous and that her death was a 'blessing' and that now she is 'free'.  Free from what I ask?  If  she was made perfect and in God's image why would she need to be freed?  Obviously she had profound limitations.  Her life held a different quality.  At no point in her life did she suffer.  She was surrounded by love always.  Her every need was tended to.  She was revered by all who knew her.  She was innocent of any and all negativity the world has to offer.  Her heart was pure.

Feel it.

Miracle Moment!

So I have figured out how to get through a shopping trip with zero tantrums and a certain degree of cooperation!  This is BIG folks!  B.I.G.  All I have to do is go to the toy store,  buy her something she wants and she will follow me anywhere as long as when we get there she can sit and play with it.  This is outstanding!  Now I'm thinking that it might not be a cost effective way of shopping but really....there's no guarantees she's going to go to university and if her mri's are any indication....so spend the money now I say!  My sanity has to be worth something!  What are student loans for anyways?

The magical purchase was her very own baby!  We have others but this one is NEW making it all the rage.  No word of a lie she has not put this doll down with exception for a dip in the splash pool.

When we walked into Toys r Us where I had no idea I would be walking out with a miracle, Malia asks "Can we go into the baby section and buy stuff we're going to need for the two babies we're going to be having?"  S'rsly!  Who has she been talking to that has promised her two new siblings and why are they not letting me in on it?!  I have been waiting for three years for someone to tell me something like that.  I guess I will just have to hang my hat on the information Malia is being fed.  Geesh I better get this place organized if we're having babies!

The weight of the world on her shoulders

A Mother's Love

Add caption

Burp!

This motherhood gig is t.i.r.i.n.g

Ahhh....whaaaa?

So I happen to be going about my business this evening and in passing through a double exit bathroom my eye is drawn to the toilet.  Why you might ask?

Wouldn't that catch your attention?

That my friends is my long tunic type top.  Why is it in the toilet you might be thinking?  Because it lives in MY house would be the answer.

S'rsly?  Unfortunately...yes

pick your own

Once again I say photos taken with a blackberry are not great

Taking my kids through the produce section of any grocery store is a bit of an adventure.  Well any section of any store who am I trying to kid.  They seem to think that they are in a pick your own orchard where it is less a problem when the produce hits the ground and where things don't go rolling two rows down when they do.  These aisles require a discerning eye and quick hands and feet.  (oh and if you think it is blog worthy some fast, hopefully discrete picturing taking).

You would think the kid with the quickest and fullest hands would be the biggest fruit and vegetable lover.  You would be wrong.  The closest she will come to a blatantly displayed fresh vegetable is a raw (yes raw) potato which she will much on happily.  She may however give the appearance of a raw carrot eater by licking off dip.  Total facade.