I have been absent

I have been absent.  I have been present with the family but absent in ways similar to sixteen months ago.  I have been forgetful, procrastination as is my norm has reached even my limit of acceptability and sadness permeates all quiet moments.  You might think that with a family of twelve at home that quiet moments are few and far between especially with school being out for the summer however the amount of driving I must do is at an all time high.  Driving means lots of time to think.  Thinking automatically takes me to the woulda, coulda, shouldas.  If I could turn back the hands of time I would do things so differently.  In having these months to ponder and speak with other bereaved parents and hear what decisions they made when their children died I sort of have a blue print of what I could have done or asked for and would have had I known then what I know now.  You know the adage you did the best you could at the time with the information you had?  Well that is what I have to hang my hat on.  Reworking it in my head does nothing to change what was actually done.

It would be easy to tell myself to let it go.  That phrase scares me beyond all others as 'letting go' means letting go of Ailish and that will never happen.  Since she passed away I have gained my footing.  We have had all the firsts that happen after someone dies.  You know the first birthday, the first Christmas, Easter, Halloween etc etc.  I have never gone an hour in all these months without thinking about her but the sadness was not as encompassing as it has been these past weeks.

I will regain my composure.  If I could do it back then certainly I can do it again.  I am programming my thought processes while I drive now.  When I begin to feel the sadness instead of watching the videos in my head of all that went on I think about all that I am hopeful for in the future.  What I want for the family, what do I see for us in the future, how can I increase the chances of our family growing. I am a full believer in positivity brings about positive results.  I just need to get all Oprah ie and visualize what I want and bring it into fruition.  I've done it before I can do it again.

It is tough when you lose someone whom you loved with abandon and even though you knew your time together was limited your faith, or maybe it's just mine is shaken.  I don't know why it should be but it just has been.  The irrational part of me doesn't trust right now.  I feel like someone was stolen from me.  The rational part of me knows she was gifted to me and for eleven times longer than any textbook predicted.  It's just that when crap happens you know it can happen again.

This is all rather rambling on however it is slightly less confusing than what is going on in my head!

Anyhoo so I end this with the promise to myself to quit trying to rewrite the past and look squarely on the future.  I have so much I want to see happen for us with top of the list being adding to the family.  As this is no easy task when we are all ready large in number there is no room for negativity.  It requires a whole lot of sending out of positive energies so that it might be manifested.
Onwards and upwards!  Let's see where it gets us.