always and forever

As time goes by I feel so far away from you.  It is almost as if you were a dream.  Were you ever really here or were you an angelic figment of my imagination?  It doesn't take much to remember the tiniest detail about you and I can still feel your skin and smell your smell things that were part of the essence of you.  It is not being able to feel your physical presence in the house, in the bus etc.  As it makes sense to do some of your belongings are no longer where they were.  Just as I had feared removing them removed the space you occupied making you that much more gone.  You are spoken of daily and not in sadness but with happy memories of you.  You in no way have been forgotten it is just my reality of having you physically in it is gone and though I have hundreds of photos to prove you existed it sometimes doesn't feel real.  Time can be cruel.  The more it marches on the further I am from the last time I held you, the last time you laughed at me, the last time I had to do anything for you.

Missing you always and forever.

not just a dentist

Not just a pediodontist is our dentist!  Phoenix had to get some dental work under a general anesthetic last week.  I have had my kids going to him now for decades...yes I said decades.  He continues to see his adult patients with disabilities which is really quite fantastic. What brings me to my little story is that Phoenix has had chin hairs growing for some time.  Lucky she is blonde so they are fair in colour but they really are noticeable.  I have tried plucking them for her but after one pluck Phoenix decided she liked that as much as a cat likes a bath.  I have tried the hair removal creams which has not been successful.  When we got into the surgical suite and after Phoenix was asleep I jokingly said to the folks in the room.  While she's asleep pluck out those chin hairs why don't you.  They are all like "what?"  I said the poor girl is growing a beard and I can't get rid of it so someone help a girl out.  I was joking.  Funny enough the first thing said to me when they came to talk to me about X-rays and what I wanted done was that the dentist had fixed the beard situation!  The dental assistant was shocked herself that the dentist did it.  She said she had the same problem and her kids called them goat hairs.  She thought it was a job for a woman but before she had a chance the dentist had done the job.  He was very proud of himself.  I heard more about the beard plucking than I did her teeth!  We are grateful on both counts.  I told him since he is looking at retirement from dentistry he could open up shop as an aesthetician.  A productive day really...teeth and facial hair dealt with, potential future career for the man's golden years and I myself have entered the field of career counselling!

Blackberry photo moments with Malia

I uploaded the pictures off my blackberry.  These are moments of Malia.  The quality makes me think that an iPhone might be in order.

When trying on bathing suits make sure you bring enough in to keep the child amused

Sunglasses are a necessity to use as a disguise after  a morning of tantrums

I actually don't know what to say here

she wasn't really sleeping but protesting

"You can't find me!"

                                                          Acting out a story

Love

One of my favourites

Busker in the making

hoping for rain so she can use her new umbrella 

sleep inducing popcorn

one

two

and there's three

nice outfit 

great hat

hard working woman

environmentally conscious

does the work around here ever end?

courageous or foolish?

dental hygiene is important!

I'm beautiful!

doesn't everyone do yard work dressed like this?

safety is important

always the best dressed in the room

good big sister educating the boy on the benefits of  iPods

sympathetically unwell

newly pierced ear

escalators...best invention EVAH!

independent shopper

sound sensitive helper

it's NOT the happiest place on earth! Disney face

shoes

No I did not forget to put shoes on the five year old and only realize she had no shoes on when getting in the vehicle she queried why she was not wearing any shoes.  If I did however forget to put shoes on the child I think I should be given credit for the many years of remembering to put shoes on people.  Most times.

"Bandaids"

Says Malia in her loudest of voices in a crowded aisle "ARE THESE BANDAIDS?"

(I should perhaps add we were in a liquidation aisle which had a variety of products.  There is definitely nothing exciting going on in my life that requires me to have these "bandaids" on hand)

Dead kid diet

Since Ailish died food really hasn't had much of a place in my day.  I eat when I get hungry which is not that often and the quantity varies.  I was no waif a year ago but the inevitable weight loss was obvious.  I remain sturdy and strong and there is little concern that I am wasting away I assure you.  I have fallen in the last year, a number of times as the dog has tried to murder me, my croc wearing feet slipping in whatever the current spill was and the obvious problem being that I am a klutz.  It's a genetic thing, researched and confirmed by my siblings affected with the same affliction.  My point is I have broken nothing so I'm assuming osteoporosis has not set in so I figure I'm good.

It has annoyed me no end over the last year when people have not just commented on my weight loss but gone overboard in congratulating me on such a great success.  Normally when folks loose weight it is considered complimentary when your efforts are recognized.  People want to know how much you have lost, how long it has taken you and what 'plan' you might have used.  Size should not be an issue.  Everyone has value and I respect you for who you are as a person and nothing else.  If you are unhappy with your size and want to change I applaud any work you want to do to make yourself feel better.  I still like you either way.  I do appreciate however making a good self deprecating joke regarding the size of my behind or any other part of me.  Really, who wouldn't?

When a person has suffered the loss of a child or anyone they were close to for that matter and there is a notable change in girth one might, in using common sense assume that grief might have something to do with it.  The people that have made the comments to me all have known my daughter died.  I can't figure out why they would congratulate me on slimming down instead of asking me how things are going and not in the generic way but really want to know 'how things are going'.  In all honesty I didn't want that attention either however to me that would be the appropriate question instead of the ones I was being asked.

The reason I bring this up today is that once again comments were made about my size.  I have not changed much since the early months after 'IT' happened so I wasn't prepared for the "oh wow! You look  blah blah blah.  Are you using some sort of plan?"  My answer was completely without filter and I am not ashamed.  I made it without malice or snideness of tone.  I simply said "ya it"s called my kid died diet".

Really what else was I to say?

Good news bad news

There's good news and bad news.  The bad news is Ailish's urn took a tumble tonight.  The good news...no vacuuming was required

tell me...

I'm going to survive their teen years right?  Please tell me I will.  Tell me I will not only survive them but we will come out the other side loving each other and having a relationship that is stronger than ever that the misery that occupies many of our days is but a blip on our radar.  Somebody?  Anybody?

Wounded

This is afterwards.  The before picture was her sitting on the ground having fallen off a curb screaming
"there's blooooood!  I'm bleeeeeding!  THERE IS BLOOD!  I. AM. BLEEDING!!!  There is so much blood!!  Ohhhhh I'm bleeding!"

It crossed my mind before I scooped her up to take a picture of the sad commotion but a) that would have gone down in the handbook of insensitive parenting and b) there was at least one witness.  Just sayin it crossed my mind.

In the end she was satisfied with my hugs, a kleenex and a promise of many bandaids to stop the excessive bleeding.

Dearest teens

To my dearest teenage daughters.  I must offer you my most sincerest of apologies.  Here you are fifteen years old and I have completely failed you in your powers of persuasion.  What I should have taught you is that to not only convince someone into seeing your point of view but to accept it thereby giving you what you desire you must use certain communication techniques.  In not being taught this valuable skill  you have been left to find your own way which has not served you well.

As there is a lot of information to cover and many nuances to understand I will leave you with this first most important piece of information:

When arguing with your mother it is best not to continue to berate her with "please", or "pleeeease" or "puleeeeaaaase" each time she says no to what you are requesting.  When that has failed to win you favour do not then go into argumentative mode whereby you think if you make comments insinuating that she said one thing when she knows for certain that is not the case and how you have done EVERYTHING to change the behaviour that has caused her angst when in fact you had to be called on it once again that day that it will for certain get you what you want.  Especially do not perform the aforementioned with a high degree of snotty tone to your voice (perhaps the most important tip of all). When you think all hope is lost do not and this is a huge DO NOT emphatically exclaim "WHATEVER" and stomp off all the while muttering under your breath as if your mother cannot hear you.  When she states that you should stop said muttering it would be wise to heed that counsel should you want the up and coming privileges in your life.

Again I apologize for neglecting my parental duty of  teaching you this life skill.  I will do better in the future.

Ya know when....

Ya know how when it is the warmest day of the new season and all the neighbours are outside, your kids are wanting the wading pool set up and you had big plans at cleaning the patio so you could relax out there at times not worried about all that you needed to do and then one of the kids turns the bathroom sink on and no one hears it and then you go downstairs to transfer laundry and it is raining all over the laundry you have all ready done plus all over the room itself and of course the bathroom from whence it came and then you must spend the day trapped in the bowels of your basement cleaning, drying, rewashing thereby missing the sun as by the time you are done it is time to cook supper and start bathing people?

Maybe it's just me....

Aggie Days

For two days I have tried to get the two little kids to Aggie days primarily for Malia so she could get up close and personal with farm animals where her lack of vision would be compensated a bit by her ability to touch, feel, see at her level.  It's a great program that is put on usually in March that also used to coincide with a big rodeo.  I'm a bit out of the loop these past years as none of my kids have gone on what used to be an annual field trip for their schools for some time.  I know many changes have been made to the program but what remains true is that it is a multi sensory experience for kids and adults who might otherwise know very little about farming, livestock, food origins etc.

Though I had the best of intentions of getting the two there it seemed each day I fielded calls from schools that resulted in unexpected doctor appointments, X-rays etc.  In being a believer that everything happens for a reason I am left with the obvious conclusion that had we made it to Aggie Days Malia would surely have been attacked by a rabid rabbit or pecked to death by a pestered chicken etc.  I mean...what other explanation could there be?

No Words

There are many words I have for this boy but none that fully convey what I feel for him

no point

sometimes there's really no point in asking...

Random Ailish on iPhoto