Friday, April 20, 2012

"Powerful Panties"

I am attending a gala in a couple of weeks.  This year it is a Medieval theme.  I am generally a party pooper where costumes are concerned.  Ever since I outgrew Halloween costumes lost their appeal for me except on children and occasionally the dog.  This then had me shopping last night for a dress.  I detest clothes shopping for myself.  It requires putting on items that have numbers on them and not just any numbers.  These digits have power Man.  They can serve to feed your ego or stomp it further into the ground than that of an acned, knock kneed, metal faced teenage girl.  Not only is there the number to contend with it is having to be locked in a room with one or more mirrors showing every knook and cranny of a body that has never caused you much pride and with the lighting in there...oh the lighting!  If you didn't think you looked old and haggard before let me tell you the combined effect of those mirrors and the lighting will have you sobbing in a heap faster than my dog poops on a clean unattended carpet!

So back to the dress.  I tried on three.  Two long and one short.  If I didn't look above the neck I thought they were all ok.  There was one I liked more than the others though.  Black, floor length, thick spaghetti straps (don't know if that's what you call them but so be it) and it was bedazzled.  The back was made of bedazzled straps.  It had me considering it in spite of its relatively high price tag.  It was what I would call slinky (call me a fashionista!).  It was smooth and pretty.  There was the problem...I am not smooth and well..let's say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I ventured out of the dressing room so that a salesclerk could help me with some ideas on lingerie liposuction.  What this miracle worker of a woman brought me was an item that was life changing. I was now an educated woman.  I had been schooled.  What was this wonder garment you query?  Well it was Spanx!

I know that I am far behind the well dressed population and probably the appropriately dressed and that if What Not to Wear was a show filmed in Canada I would be top on everyone's list to nominate (I'm glad it's not as it is REALLY hard to shop with eleven kids following me...) so I know Spanx is no secret to most.  Of course I had heard of them and might have even seen an entire Oprah show on them but never had I ventured so far as to put any on.  What's the point really as pyjama's hide a multitude of sins.

My life might have changed a little bit last night in the confines of that change room.  I poured my body into that undergarment which may or may not have required two sales girls and a maintenance man and there I was....smooth.  I had ne'er a lump.  Now balloons are smooth and round so don't think the Spanx hid all my sins but it was a step in the right direction.  But there was more....

Now you might be entire post on an undergarment?  Yes because the best part has yet to be told!

I am single.  I have thirteen outstanding children with eleven living at home.  They love on me all day.  They like to be hugged, kissed, nuzzled, sat with, held etc.  I love it.  When I put on that Spanx last night though I found something that gave to me wanting nothing in return.  It squeezed me, warmed me and made me feel good about myself.  It didn't drool, sneeze, or pee on me nor did it leave clumps of fur on any part of me.  It was also considerate of any need I might have.  It provided me an exit strategy for any 'bizness' I might have.  Who knew underwear was capable of unconditional love?  My kids provide that same unconditional acceptance of me and my flaws and I adore every minute with them (there are times though....).  They think I'm beautiful and the best mommy evah (if asking them careful on what day you ask the teens).  There is just something different about a relationship with your underwear.

What was the shopping outcome you might wonder?  I left the store with nothing thinking I should perhaps give renting a costume some thought and attempt at becoming 'fun'.  I am a changed woman, willing to step out of my comfort zone if just maybe for an evening.

Thank you Spanx.  Thank you.  I am indeed a "Powerful Woman" and should I chose I will wear "Powerful Panties"!


Renee (and Brennan) said...

All I can say is..Yay for Powerful Panties!

Kimberley said...

God bless the inventive genius that created powerful panties!! Trisha you should write professionally, you are too funny!