Thursday, April 19, 2012

Cheated

I have done a fair amount of reading in regards to grief through loss.  It seems everything I have read has mentioned 'visit's' from the deceased through dreams or some otherwise unexplainable event.  I think I am feeling cheated.  Other than the odd sock of Ailish's found in the house where it shouldn't be etc I can honestly say I have not experienced any such thing.  I have had two dreams in one year and both may have had some significance but it is too hard to say and if they did it was minimal.  Other folks report dreams where their loved one comes and talks to them, interacts with them, saying they are fine etc.

Maybe my problem is that I don't need to hear that Ailish is fine.  If I assume Ailish has gone to Heaven then why wouldn't she be fine?  Everything should be more than fine, perfect in fact.  What I want to hear is what happened.  What happened at that moment that none of the doctors can explain that caused her to die?  I want to hear her tell me if she suffered during her lifetime or was she as I always believed pain free for the most part, content and happy.  I want to know if she felt my ends of the earth, aint no stopping, through to the core, heart melting love for her.  I want to know if I did enough for her.  I would then like to feel her again, the weight of her, her skin, her legs with their fine downy hair and her teeny toes.  I want to smell her, the sweetness and even the stinky clenched fist smell.  I want all of these things fresh in my mind all over again to sustain me longer.  I would then like to know if she is here all the time with us or is it on a drop in basis (I'm thinkin Heaven might be a busy place).

After all was said and done and before I woke up I'm thinkin it wouldn't kill the child to slip me some winning lotto numbers.  Just sayin


2 comments:

Rachel K said...

Hi

I have only just started reading your blog and just wanted to tell you I think you're amazing. All the love you have for your children is evident in all your posts. I am certain Ailish knew how much you loved her. I am truly sorry that your heart aches so much.

Regards
Rachel

Tricia said...

Thanks so much Rachel for the kind words.
Tricia