job description

After once again being on the receiving end of the wrath of an unhappy teenager due to her being told no I have decided that I will be putting an add out for a husband.  For me.  Not the teenager because really...at this age who would have her?  I no longer wish to be the only bad guy in the house.

The successful candidate will have (for my viewing pleasure) broad shoulders, abs of steel and perhaps buns to match.  They will have the face of Brad Pitt or Matthew McCaughnehay (no idea how to spell his name because to me he is just Matty).  If he does look like Brad however I would prefer the shaven face not the wildebeest look he is sporting.

The candidate will be courageous and not run from blood, goober or any other bodily fluid.  Seizures will not phase him, in fact with the required eyes in the back of his head and strong muscular legs he will be able to leap furniture, small children and pets to catch the seizing child before they hit the ground.  The ability to attend to any medical situation, minor or crises will be a necessity.  A lack of the olfactory sense might be a bonus for him but for his sake not ours.

The lucky man will have a firm, no nonsense approach when it comes to the teens.  He will be able to stand his ground under the fiercest of negotiations yet be flexible and know just the right time to bend.  He    
will not waiver when tears are used for manipulation yet will be intuitive enough to know when the tears portray true emotion requiring comfort.  He will be tender and be an illustration of what and who a 'real' man is.  He will demonstrate how a man is to treat a woman leading the children to expect the same from any future suitors.

Most importantly there is a list of household duties that I find unpleasant and really and truly to be within the male domain.  Those will need to be reviewed weekly and completed on an as need be basis (with zero prompting from me).

Compensation for fulfilling the job description will be the love and devotion of the most wonderful group of kids on the planet (the teens adoration will be cleverly disguised as contempt and thinly veiled hatred).

I'm thinking I will have hundreds of resumes to go through...