Useless ponderings

When it came time to set a surgery date for Ailish's surgery date I had a choice of February.  I think it was around the sixteenth.  I didn't take it because if something went wrong then the anniversary date would always be around one of the kid's birthdays.  I chose March 16th, 2011...still around another of the kid's birthdays but a couple of weeks after.  For me after was better than before.  Call me crazy.  Many people do.  So now I am left wondering.  If I had chosen the February date would things have turned out differently.  I know many would say no.  They would say that we are born with a finite number of days and when your number is up, it's up.  Still I wonder.  I wonder if there was anything that I could have done to change the outcome if I choose to believe that our number of days are not predetermined.

I know what I could have done differently at the hospital the day she was dying.  I know what I would want to have done before and after her death.  There is so so much I wish I would have done after she died.  One of the things I would have done might have have gotten a psyche consult but it would have been worth it. (nothing freaky or weird I just would have taken her into the bathroom and locked the door).  The list of things I would do differently is vast and amended continually even almost eleven months later.

I know where I am at fault and where I share the blame with hospital staff.  But I wonder....if the timing was different, the staffing was different, if I had had my head screwed on differently....would the outcome have been different?