Fallen

I have fallen and can't get up.  I have been upright for the most part for a while and though I have tripped and stumbled I have always been able to rise again.  There is a weight that holds me down.  Grief is heavy.  And powerful.  If allowed to it can prevent the living of your best life.  It can stop you from doing every day chores, wanting to do extras and some days getting out of bed is the most successful you might be.

Though much of my days still involve the mental videos playing in my head of her final days as we come closer and closer to the one year anniversary I am 'feeling' the memories more.  It's as if Ailish just died or at least within weeks of her dying.  I guess it has to do with her birthday just having gone by, we are now in the month she had her last big hurrah of participating in her school fund raising gala and of course the month when she took her last breath.


I decided that we would go away over the one year anniversary.  Where better to go than the "happiest place on earth"?  I had wanted to take the kids in the last couple of years but I couldn't see how we would fly with Ailish, and transport from airport to hotel etc.  The logistics seemed overwhelming.  I so wish now I had asked around more seriously as all of the details I was worried about all were doable.  Ailish could have experienced Disneyland again.  


Planning a trip for thirteen people might seem daunting at best.  Throw in the special needs of each traveller and you have yourself some excitement.  I guess readying for the trip acts as a distraction.  My grief induced accentuation of procrastination has had to be curbed.  Though each detail has not been layed out there is no room for laxidasical preparations.  I have to say though it is rather tough when after you have put out the expense, made the arrangements and you think to yourself what you would really like to do on the night and at the time things went to hell in a hand basket is to set roots in the hospital room and just be.  Course that would be no different than how I feel every Friday night at 9:00.