It's time

It's official.  We have now passed the ominous one year mark since Ailish left us.  Her belongings are all where they have always been.  The crib has remained with her last bedding, toys etc still in place.  Her closet holds all her clothes as does her bureau.  I have never really had a timeline as to when all these things should be dealt with but always knew eventually the time would come.  I think one year is long enough for the crib.  Ailish shared the room with little H and though it is plenty big the room was not designed for two cribs or beds.  Everytime I need to get into the closet I need to move H's crib.  Not a big deal but unnecessary now.  He has a right to have this space made for him now.  Ailish has made it abundantly clear she is not coming back.  Last Easter I awaited her resurrection and sure as shootin she didn't show up so I am going to assume this year will be no different.

Dealing with the belongings of someone who has died is an enormously emotionally charged issue.  There is no right or wrong way to do it providing you are the bereaved and making the decisions.  Loved ones around us generally have an opinion all with good intentions but usually from the perspective of someone who has not lost a child or someone very dear to them.  I think all of us who grieve a loss know that there is so much insanity with grief, emotions so powerful that decision making can be skewed, unpredictable importance placed on what might appear to be the most mundane things, that we know there are no rules as we work these things out (providing of course there is some progression in healing).  I think it could be very easy to get stuck though.  We want to hold on so tightly to our loved one that we fear letting go of anything as it means they are slipping further and further away from us.  This is how I have felt about Ailish's crib.  If I took it down then one of the main physical spaces she occupied would be empty of her.

It is down now.  I neither vomitted, passed out or sobbed hysterically but I wanted to do all three.  I am sickened by the emptiness of the room.  I want it back to the way it should be.  Be grateful I tell myself.  You had Ailish for eleven years.  Eleven times what they said you would have and they were eleven years of almost perfect health.  You have nothing to complain about.  She's dead I argue back (see when you are not married and you want to pick a fight you have to do it with yourself). Yes she is I reply and nothing changes that so you better start hanging your hat on gratitude instead of sadness if things are going to get better.  Learn the lessons that Ailish has lead you to because you will walk this road again.  If Ailish was the great teacher you promote her to be then don't let her lessons fall on deaf ears. ( I can be very convincing when I argue, at least with myself.)

The crib might be down but don't even think the closet or the dresser is being touched!  Baby steps people.  Baby steps.  I might have to be stone cold drunk to do those....

The next step will be to paint the room.  It is currently a light light pink.  Though H is very much in touch with his feminine side I think we will change it to some shade of green.  He likes green.  The good news to this is getting rid of this ugly little cherub angels that a muralist put on the walls years ago.  They were not the angels I had envisioned when I asked her to paint but in her defence what I wanted she would not have been able to do and have them be visible.  I haven't yet decided what I want done on the boy's wall or even if I do it myself or hire out.  I have another room that needs doing too and I am not a fan of painting so I am leaning to hiring out.

Whew!  It's really too bad I don't drink as I think I could really use something right about now...