Saturday, March 3, 2012


Grief magnifies any time you are not at the top of your game.  It might be a slight headache, feeling tired, hormone fluctuations or full on flu.  It doesn't matter what the cause but if you are not in tip top shape grief will throw you down to the ground no matter where you are or think you are in the process.  Grief in and of itself is exhausting.  As you get further along in the journey though you have fewer days of full on exhaustion so when something lowers your reserve you are an easy target to be pushed backwards and it can be a slippery slope to reaching the point of sinking deeper into the abyss you have crawled yourself out of.

It doesn't take much to trigger grief reactions in a normal day but being a little off accentuates your response.  There are hundreds of triggers in any given day.  They can be visual such as belongings of the passed loved one or the way their picture catches your eye that particular day.  They can be olfactory such as entering a room that has the distinctive smell that was prevalent during the time of trauma (for me it is the smell of new carpentry as the funeral home had undergone construction.  Unfortunately the little kid's school also had work done and I smell that same scent every day that I take them to school.  It hits me the same every time though now it doesn't make me cry).  The trigger can be auditory, a song played at their service etc.  A big one for me is a toy that Phoenix loved at the time and went no where without. It says phrases and sings songs and she had it at the funeral.  As soon as I hear it I am brought back to that day.

There are hundreds of stimulants daily that remind you of those you grieve.  They can bring you to a happy place or to the days and moments that have caused you the greatest pain.  I would wish none of the memories away however maybe just the guttural reactions.  Every memory, every reel of video in my head is welcome even the ones where the fight was on to save Ailish's life.  They bring me to her.  I don't want to forget anything.  Sometimes it is difficult to manage the intensity of the emotions that come with all of it though.

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