Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Soldiering through

Chronic pain.  Which comes first?  Does the chronic pain mould the personality or does the personality determine the amount of pain felt or ability to cope.  I suppose the answer is in the middle as it would only make sense.

What I know for sure however is that chronic pain + dramatic personality + teenage girl + learning disabilities = not a lot of fun.  For anyone...

I am doing my best I swear to God.  Parenting is hard in the best of circumstances.  Add to it a debilitating disability and the fear of never coming out the other side whole with the loving, close relationship you had hoped for once the child intensifies.

I was hell on wheels for my mother.  I was not out running around getting into trouble hell but I was so so rude.  I treated her not so much of a grain of respect.  I argued with her at every turn.  Certainly arguing, testing boundaries etc is a normal part of growing up but I want so much more for my relationship with my daughters at the end of raising them.

I access the resources medical, educational, psychological and recreational.  I have thirteen children but it is one that occupies the majority of my time and thoughts.  I don't mind this.  I will do what it takes to hopefully in the end have raised a daughter that is happy, as independent as possible. a benefit to her community and one that wants to be present in her mother's life.  It sometimes never seems to be enough.
We have all the resources but ultimately it is her and I in the trenches and I am seriously flying by the seat of my pants.  I think a lot of times the professionals are at a loss as to how to help.  If they don't know what to do and it is left to me to muddle through...we are one hundred percent sunk.

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